The sunshine today is truly the greatest thing ever. I’m enjoying every second of it before I head into work.

…I could have possibly extended my avoidance of the doctor’s office a little further. I was excited for it up until I faced my very curious physician and realized that I would be caught up on all of the poking, questioning, and probing I’d missed in one sitting.

Today I was weighed & blood was drawn. I peed in a cup & I stared blankly at my doctor while he asked questions designed to reveal whether or not I suffered from any form of depression or anxiety disorder. I divulged to him the details of my shitty mornings, usually made so by acid reflux. I confessed to him my inability to completely quit smoking cigarettes, thus far. I listened intently while he scolded me for doing so & warned me fervently about my health.

Today’s visit humbled me. It reminded me of my mortality & fragility. I left with two new prescriptions, both of which I’m required to take daily. One of them will hopefully make my stomach a little more easygoing than it’s usually fiery self. The other can potentially keep me from falling into the emotional booby traps I fall into daily as a result of my surroundings & most importantly, my hormones.

I won’t disclose which medication I’m taking. I don’t want to give people who’ve taken it & seen no results or experienced shitty side effects the opportunity to alter my perception of it. I want to base my review of it solely on my experience.

All-in-all, I feel accomplished. I finally went to the doctor & stopped guessing what the fuck was/is wrong with me. Now all that’s left is determining whether or not these medications work.

I’ve never been anal about privacy. In fact, I used to run my mouth too much about everything. My sex life, unfortunately, wasn’t very much of a mystery. My candidness being something I feel I developed over six years of blogging. I think over-sharing spilled over from my MacBook into my every day life.

Then I started dating Ilya. That’s when I want to say everything changed. I stopped tweeting about sex & posting porn .gifs. I stopped telling anyone besides my closest friends that I was even having sex. If that’s not weird enough, I’ve begun to wince when others divulge the details of their sex lives.

Is Ilya responsible for this change? Not exactly. He’s never encouraged me to stop speaking openly about anything. Not my sex life, not my love life. He sure as hell would never want me to stop blogging. So why have I turned into such a reserved version of myself?

I’ve just grown to appreciate the quiet of no one knowing my business. Keeping my love, my friends, and special moments to myself. Treasuring my thoughts. Still every day I want more than anything to vent in the form of writing, and I do miss sharing it.

Hopefully, I can figure it out.

You cannot has.

I miss you more.

:)

I hope we dont end up one of those whirlwind romances.
Stirred up by passion.
Ending in heartache.
I hope we don’t take for granted
what’s at stake here.
I hope we don’t have to tell people
about how at one point
“Nothing could rival our time together.
Now we don’t have the same zip codes.”
Don’t wanna be wondering
how’s the weather
wherever
you are…
I just wanna lie here
and feel your energy
course through me.
I never want you to have to say you “knew” me.

I’ve recently lost touch with a lot of people, but I’m trying to see things in a more positive light. A new beginning. I’m going to blame irony for me having my phone stolen the same week I erased everyone from/closed all of my social networks, but that’s just how life is sometimes. Starting over is something I’ve always been good at, and here’s another opportunity to maybe gain some aptitude in being consistent for a change.